so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
