oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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