I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
