You work out of a Hotel?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
