when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
