I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
