in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
