i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
