I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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