In the future we'll all be gay
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
