I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
