I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
