Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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