Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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