I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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