Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
