so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
