I got chris browned last night
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
