so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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