from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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