I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
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She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
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We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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