So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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