Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
