This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
