Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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