I met the friendliest cop last night
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
