Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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