I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
