my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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