I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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