New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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