Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
