If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
