i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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