I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
