there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
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I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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