watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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