Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
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