pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
