so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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