Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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