thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
