Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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