THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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