i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
