I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
