remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
