Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
She announced her abortion via fbk
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
