I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
