My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
