i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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