I think I died a long time ago.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
