i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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