he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
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