the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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