Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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