I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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