The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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